


Hiraeth

by Stars_dreaming



Series: 365 MCU drabbles and oneshots [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F/M, Sad, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 04:19:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17842319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stars_dreaming/pseuds/Stars_dreaming
Summary: It's different without him.It feels... cold. And lonely.Sometimes you don't know if it's going to be the same ever again.If you are going to be the same.





	Hiraeth

 

* * *

 

_Hiraeth_

_(n.) a homesickness for a home you can't return to, or that never was_

 

* * *

 

 

"I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone - you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence." 

**\- Alyson Noel, _Evermore_**

 

* * *

 

**_[ ](https://www.google.nl/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwjsk6L2j8bgAhWPmbQKHYbnDSQQjRx6BAgBEAU&url=https%3A%2F%2Ffineartamerica.com%2Fart%2Fpaintings%2Fdead%2Bflowers&psig=AOvVaw25q7OZy4INtfgRoiGl8f-R&ust=1550608224040619) _ **

 

* * *

* * *

 

There was once a time when you walked into the living room shared by all your friends, and you broke into a fit of giggles upon seeing Clint upside down on the couch, with a cocktail in his hand, and Tony next to him, with a red clown's nose. 

 

There was once a time where you smiled as you felt two arms wind around your waist as you prepared the coffee in the way you knew he liked it. 

 

You remembered his soft smile, that look in his eyes that always made you melt, and those sweet kisses pressed against your hot skin in the middle of the night, while he pressed into you again, and whispered how much he loved you. 

 

You dropped your heels on the carpet in the room, and took your time looking at it all. 

 

It felt so different without him there. 

 

It felt cold, almost lonely, and it felt as if the room was mourning him too. 

 

There was soft rain clattering on the roof, and the birds had stopped chirping. It was as if the whole world was mourning him. 

 

Your fingers touched the crumpled sheets that the both of you had lain in, with tousled hair and soft smiles only reserved for each other. Your eyes sought out the pillows, slumped against each other, and you saw the flat space in the middle of his, where his letter had lain earlier that week. 

 

You touched the drawings he'd hung up in front of the mirror - and next to it, and above it as well - the drawings he'd made of you, and those he'd made of his teammates, and those he'd made of past times, before the war. 

 

You closed your eyes, sniffing in the air, smelling the faint scent of his cologne, and you choked back a sob. 

 

The only sounds in the room were that of the rustling of your jeans as you pulled them off, and the soft snap of your hair-tie as you pulled it out of your curls. 

 

Without making a single sound, you let yourself sink on his side of the bed, and you pressed your face into his pillow, remembering his smell, and his crooked smile, and the way his hair looked in the early mornings, and that peaceful expression on his face that only you got to see. 

 

There were tears burning in your eyes, but you refused to let them out. 

 

 

The Compound was silent. 

 

The two assassins of S.H.I.E.L.D. were out for a debriefing, Sam and Bucky were out god knows where, and you frankly didn't care, Rhodes was upstate with the army, the twins and Vision were arranging all the things for his funeral, and Tony... Well, Tony was in his lab. Probably drinking. You didn't know. 

 

The two Asgardian gods were still in Asgard. They were on some diplomatical mission - you knew nothing of it, and you didn't bother asking anyone - and they would be back soon enough. 

 

You shuffled towards the couch, dressed in only a sweatshirt - that you had stolen from Steve a few years ago - and a pair of shorts. 

 

"FRIDAY?" Your voice croaked. The AI responded immediately. _"How can I help you, miss Rogers?"_

 

"Where does Tony keep his strong alcohol?" 

 

 _"I'm afraid I can't give you such information,"_ the AI curtly responded, and she proceeded talking about the dangers of consuming too much alcohol, but you didn't give a shit, and so you walked around, to the bar, where you found a bottle of Russian Vodka, no doubt once in Nat's possession. 

 

 

You didn't remember much after that. 

 

You woke up with a pounding headache, and with a soft groan, you hauled yourself out of bed. 

 

"What date is it?" You asked, looking up at the ceiling as you put on some comfortable pants. 

 

 _"It's the sixteenth of June, miss Rogers,"_ FRIDAY said politely, _"three days away from the funeral."_

 

You didn't make a sound, and slowly, you pulled a shirt over your head, only to then realize it was Steve's favourite - you'd worn it when he proposed to you. 

 

You swallowed, trying to make the lump in your throat disappear. 

 

When you walked into the bathroom, you saw all his stuff still standing there. You opened the closets, and you saw his towels, and his toiletry, and you bit your lip so hard you could taste your own blood. 

 

"No," you whispered, and you closed the door of the bathroom behind you. 

 

 

You found Bucky on a couch in the living room. 

 

"Are you still drunk?" You asked him, already moving towards the kitchen to make him some coffee. He simply groaned and didn't respond. 

 

You handed him his coffee, and then you left. 

 

 

Later, you were visited by Loki. 

 

"You look awful," he commented as he entered your room. You didn't answer, simply pulled your knees to your chest and continued looking out the huge glass window. 

 

"Sugar?" You then heard, and you turned around, eyes wide. In front of you stood Steve. He was smiling one of those soft smiles. "Hey," he said softly. You reached out to touch him before a shimmer caught your gaze. You frowned, and then, before you knew it, you took a vase and threw it in Loki's direction. 

 

"Don't you dare!" You bellowed. "Get out! Get out, now!" You threw something else at him - your mind didn't register what exactly - and he did. He simply disappeared, and left you as a sobbing mess on the floor. 

 

"No, no, no," you cried, pulling your knees to your chest again and burrowing your face in between your legs.

 

 

There was so much grief. 

 

You could feel it in the air. 

 

Everyone was getting ready. They were all wearing black - suits and dresses, and they all looked beautiful. 

 

To the outside world, most of them seemed unfazed. 

 

But you spotted the signs easily. 

 

Natasha was silent, again. Clint had pulled out his hearing aids, and there was a dull look in his eyes. Pietro was silent, for once, and Wanda's shoulders were hunched. There were dark circles under Tony's eyes, and Vision and Rhodes sported sorrowful expressions. Thor's usual grin wasn't there, and Loki looked too reserved. Sam was silent, too, and his smile was gone, and Bucky.. Well, Bucky was an entire different case. He was pale, and a bit thinner, and he looked like shit, if you were being honest. 

 

They'd patched him up a bit before leaving, pulling his long hair in a bun and dressing him nicely, but nothing could cover that look of sorrow on his face. 

 

You yourself were wearing a simple black dress, with a skirt that fell to the knees and a ribbon around the waist. You were sure you didn't look much better than Bucky did, and you certainly didn't feel like it. 

 

Wanda gave you a smile, and Nat offered you her arm as you stepped down the stairs towards the cars waiting down the street. 

 

It was raining. 

 

 

"Y/N Rogers, wife of Captain America, member of the Avengers." 

 

You stepped forward, and Bucky followed you like a shadow, with an umbrella over your head. 

 

You looked at the crowd assembled for the ceremony. There were so many people. So many people sharing your grief, and your loss. You swallowed. 

 

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world," your voice echoed over the square, catching everyone's attention, "which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night." Your eyes fluttered to the front row, where the Avengers sat. They were watching you intently. You continued. 

 

"It's four am. Your cologne is on everything - on me, on all the world - you are all around, you are," you took a breath, "all of my tattered senses and no poetry, no song, no writing, nothing in the world will make this better." You looked at the crowd once again. They were all here for him. 

 

"Every single one of you knew Captain America," you said, "and only few of you knew Steve Rogers. The man who drew people like it was something simple, like it was not an amazing talent yet to be discovered. The man who fought for his best friend, time and time again, only to lose him. The man who sacrificed himself for this country. The man who-" you swallowed, and ignored the tears burning in your eyes, "the man who loved so many of us, no matter what we did. The man who always did the right thing. The man who always believed." 

 

You looked at Tony. 

 

"He may be a superhero," you said softly, "but he will always be a normal person. He had a family. A very strong, supportive family, with issues and all, but isn't that what makes it so beautiful? Steve believed in every single one of us, in every single of  _you._ That is why I fell in love with him." 

 

You took a deep breath. 

 

"Being without him is difficult. It feels different, and lonely, and cold, and so bad, in so many ways imaginable. I can still feel his arms around me, and his lips on my own, and I can still hear his voice sometimes." It was becoming harder to talk, and you choked back a sob. "We made a promise to each other," you said, "on our wedding day. We promised that we would protect one another no matter what." 

 

You turned to look at his coffin. "I guess I was just too late this time."

 

You touched the polished wood, and then you bowed down to press a kiss on it. "I'm sorry," you whispered, closing your eyes, and letting the tears mix with the rain. 

 

 

As soon as you sat down again, you felt Tony's arm around you. 

 

He didn't speak. 

 

You knew there were no words needed. 

 

 

_"Steve! Steve, Steve, no! Steve, look out- Steve, nooo!"_

 

You watched his body plummet to the ground. There was the sickening sound of breaking bones and a cracking skull. 

 

_"Steve!"_

 

A sob. 

 

As tears mixed with blood, and lips were pressed to cold ones, and prayers were sent up to the heavens, there was too much pain. 

 

So much pain. 

 

Only pain. 

 

And what was a world without Captain America? 

 

A world without Steve Rogers? 

 

There was no world without him. 

 

Not for you. 

**Author's Note:**

> I only have to say one thing. 
> 
> Wow. 
> 
> Oh my god, I am so sorry. This is a mess, and it's bad and I know it, but I posted it anyways, because I don't know what else to do with my life.


End file.
